I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!!!
Well, with my sophomore year at least.
& I really wish I could say something like:
"This year was amazing. I'm really proud of how far I've come. I have so many awesome memories with my friends & I'm so excited for this summer!"
But the bad news is that I can't. It's been the hardest year I've ever had, & I'm not really stoked about this summer. The only emotion I have right now is relief. Relief that I'm done with school.
I haven't been doing well.. The readers digest version is that I've been really really stressed & recently relapsed into my old panic-induced state from a couple of years ago. This happens when something traumatic happens. & unfortunately, it did. My best friends dad died March 8, About 3 months ago. He was the most incredible man, & the best father literally in the world. He was also the most wonderful "adopted father" I could've asked for. I don't have a good relationship with my dad, & not just because my parents are divorced. But Mr.Carroll showed me what a father was & honestly, who a Godly man was. I'm so happy that I got to know him the 2 very short years I knew him. But even more than that, that my friend was so incredibly blessed growing up. She is just as remarkable as her father. I cannot even imagine the pride that Poppa C has looking down to see his family as they are. They're incredible. I love them so much. They're so loving. They seriously welcomed me into their home when I needed them most & spoiled me rotten :) I've spent so much time there it's my second home. I have a desk & there's a bed in the oldest sister Hallies room for friends I get it 1/3 of the time since we have a group of good friends that visit all the time. They showed me that family isn't confined to blood relation. It's about opening up your heart & giving others a home there.
So as you can imagine it was an unbelievably earth shattering event when their dad died suddenly, of natural causes leaving behind his wife (high school sweetheart & the most wonderful woman) three daughters Hallie Hannah & Meg and his young son Jack. Please please please keep them in your prayers constantly. This is so so real what I'm asking. For you to pray. It means something.
Now, I would rather not do this, but as it's a personal blog, I'm trying to write out my feelings & work things out in my life. I've been avoiding this because I don't think it's right that anyone should pay attention or worry about me when my friends are going through this.. that's why I've tried not to do this. But I need to talk. I need to write out my feelings & talk about my life because I'm living it & I'm no help to my friend if I carpmentalize. & I'll just been drowning myself.
Since this happened my anxiety & depression have shown themselves again. Badly. Worse then I've ever had it. For 3 months I've been having so much trouble sleeping I was only sleeping 3-4 hours a night & hardly paying any attention to what I was eating, if I was. & I was stressing about school so much because I got behind when all this happened. The teachers know how close I was to the family & the situation so they gave me a looot of grace. But in the end I still had to fight on the last night before quarter ended to get everything in. That combined with huge home issues & an issue with a friend & I totally lost it by this week. Exam week. I made it through, just barely. But in the process I ripped apart every piece of healthy fabrication in my life trying to get it all right for everyone.
Maybe 2 weeks after PopC died my carpmentalizing backfired big time. I was going through so much stress & anxiety & depression but not dealing with it. I had completely blocked off the connection from my emotional state to my physical state. I wasn't handling it so my body didn't know how to handle it. So it decided to express itself in protest by causing me to have a panic attack that started with severe naseau & barely being able to breathe to stumbling, so dizzy I could hardly see, to the bathroom where I proceeded to throw up for 8 hours straight doing a number on my throat, since after the first 3 hours I had nothing but acid to throw up. Your loving reading this huh? My doctor diagnosed it as a psycho systemic reaction to stress. And then I was medically induced to sleep for 48 hours (more like 36 in the end) skipping school to basically completely restart my system. Plus, I was operating under exhaustion. Also, she prescribed me a second anxiety control add-on med to accompany my daily lexapro. Apparently, lexapro was lonely, so klonopin wanted to keep it company. It helps. But unfortunately meds can't fix your system if you continue with the same life-cycle. I did, & at several points in the past two months did I relapse, but was able to control the physical aspects with the meds. so I was able to handle it under the radar.
So. Here I am. I lived through the trauma, exam week, hell at home, & school is over & so I'm catching up on months of sleep, & trying to work out a hell of a lot of issues.
Now, my goals for this week include:
- get back on a healthy sleeping schedule
- get back on a healthy (&existent) diet
- get back on a healthy & organized exercise routine
- get back on an everyday scheduled time with God & I (that I KEEP)
- and get back on a regular social routine including church & time for my friends
- sign up for an SAT prep class
- get tutoring for math (specifically geometry since I didn't end this semester well)
Oh how messed up I am. Jesus take the wheeeeeeel.
