“There's a reason why stars can only exist in the sky—they're just rockets of light traveling through space, so it feels right to admire their form from a distance. People, solid and living and breathing together in the same world, are not meant to be surrounded by that much darkness.” 

― Katie Kacvinsky, Awaken

"Because the world is so full of death and horror, I try again and again to console my heart and pick the flowers that grow in the midst of hell.”

—Hermann Hesse, Narcissus and Goldmund

Open wound.

A strange title for a blog post. What is like an open wound? 

Many things.

my heart.
my school.
my loss of friendships.
my past eating disorder.
the lessons I'm still learning.

Let me save my heart for last..

my school.

I go to a homeschool co-op, so were only there 2-3 days a week depending on the classes you take. However it's a small community and everyone is tightly knit. Last year was a difficult year for us. We dealt with two tragedies at the end of the school year, and looking around at the community of students and mentors just half a year later you can see it is a very different place. Last years graduating class was made up of beloved friends, and their absence is felt by anyone who was here last year. Anyone returning from last year was probably at least in a small way affected by the things that happened last year. While things go on as normal, somehow it still feels different. Everyone is fighting a battle—and some still fighting a battle that started long ago. 

my loss of friendships.

This is a little harder to get into.. see my relationship with close friends at church are better than ever. They are absolutely loyal awesome and supportive friends, no question. But over the summer my friendships at school deteriorated despite the fact I kept in touch and tried to keep things going with the people I was really close with last year. And unfortunately I have no argument to recall, or anything at all to explain it. Literally the best explanation I have is that they are not interested in my friendship. Isn't that just plain sad? I would rather tell you I messed up, and destroyed my friendships and learned a terrible lesson than have to say that I did nothing but everything in my power to be the best friend I could. That hurts more. "Best friends" just suddenly decided that they weren't interested. It sucks. 

my past eating disorder.

Two years ago I dealt with bulimia (not an extreme case-thank God) and it stemmed from insecurity that is to-the-bone-deep and that took a suffocating grip on my life starting when I was probably not even 10 or 11 years old. My faith, and some extremely strict and loving friends (some of whom I was talking about above. ...Yeah.) stopped me from doing it for a long time. But because it wasn't a long lived thing, I got no results, and am in the same place I was when I started. And the people at school and issues at home are NOT helping. I'm doing better yes, because of my relationship with Christ, but I'm still way too consumed with my appearance. The little confidence I put on, is an act I have only been able to manage because God has given me the strength to be strong around others, and because of my serious stubbornness to not let the people that hurt me see that I'm not doing well. 

my heart, and the lessons I'm still learning.

So overall because of uncertainty, loss, hurt feelings, and self-loathing I'm emotionally spent. At vulnerable moments just mentioning things that strike a chord with me brings me to tears, or in some cases serious frustrated rants. I'm an emotional car wreck in some ways, and fine in others. My heart is an open wound that the slightest harsh touch brings intense pain, and from that-serious frustration. God is my Healer..but in some areas it does not seem to be in his plan to give me any diagnosis or relief just now. So I'm left praying desperate prayers and attempting complete outward self-control 24/7 of when in the public eye. 

I know God answers prayer. I know because I saw an incredible prayer answered on the mission trip I went on this summer, and it was a very personal prayer from me. The way God moved..it was beautiful and so completely GOD.

But I also know too well that prayer usually doesn't get answered in the way we want or expect. God's plan is perfect, but we couldn't possible understand most of it. I'm learning that I need to accept that, and even embrace it. He is the Divine Creater, the Alpha and Omega, the Epic, Almighty, Awesome God. He's the best friend I can ask for, and my Healer. He will not let me down, He will not leave me. He has got me, and no matter what, like it or not, he has absolute hold on my heart. Nothing can separate me from Him. 

So the biggest lesson—I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. I have to depend on His strength and not my own. 

Why these lessons are an open wound—

because they are hard lessons, and I'm nowhere near done learning them. 

And to learn them, I know God has to peel back the deepest layers of myself and my past and resurface past pain to bring me to deal with them. He wants to heal me, but I have to accept He is my Healer, and that I can never fix myself-I need to let Him do His work the way He will. My heart is broken beyond my ability to fix it. Only He can do it.

—

So.. it's only the end of September, and this is where I am at the beginning of school. 

Can you see why it is  daunting and terrifying to think of the year ahead of me?

Things to do/remember:

Not my images.

Blessings, Emilie  ♥

Life in a nutshell.

So. The good news.

I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!!!

Well, with my sophomore year at least. 

& I really wish I could say something like:

"This year was amazing. I'm really proud of how far I've come. I have so many awesome memories with my friends & I'm so excited for this summer!"

But the bad news is that I can't. It's been the hardest year I've ever had, & I'm not really stoked about this summer. The only emotion I have right now is relief. Relief that I'm done with school. 

I haven't been doing well.. The readers digest version is that I've been really really stressed & recently relapsed into my old panic-induced state from a couple of years ago. This happens when something traumatic happens. & unfortunately, it did. My best friends dad died March 8, About 3 months ago. He was the most incredible man, & the best father literally in the world. He was also the most wonderful "adopted father" I could've asked for. I don't have a good relationship with my dad, & not just because my parents are divorced. But Mr.Carroll showed me what a father was & honestly, who a Godly man was. I'm so happy that I got to know him the 2 very short years I knew him. But even more than that, that my friend was so incredibly blessed growing up. She is just as remarkable as her father. I cannot even imagine the pride that Poppa C has looking down to see his family as they are. They're incredible. I love them so much. They're so loving. They seriously welcomed me into their home when I needed them most & spoiled me rotten :) I've spent so much time there it's my second home. I have a desk & there's a bed in the oldest sister Hallies room for friends I get it 1/3 of the time since we have a group of good friends that visit all the time. They showed me that family isn't confined to blood relation. It's about opening up your heart & giving others a home there.

So as you can imagine it was an unbelievably earth shattering event when their dad died suddenly, of natural causes leaving behind his wife (high school sweetheart & the most wonderful woman) three daughters Hallie Hannah & Meg and his young son Jack. Please please please keep them in your prayers constantly. This is so so real what I'm asking. For you to pray. It means something.

Now, I would rather not do this, but as it's a personal blog, I'm trying to write out my feelings & work things out in my life. I've been avoiding this because I don't think it's right that anyone should pay attention or worry about me when my friends are going through this.. that's why I've tried not to do this. But I need to talk. I need to write out my feelings & talk about my life because I'm living it & I'm no help to my friend if I carpmentalize. & I'll just been drowning myself. 

Since this happened my anxiety & depression have shown themselves again. Badly. Worse then I've ever had it. For 3 months I've been having so much trouble sleeping I was only sleeping 3-4 hours a night & hardly paying any attention to what I was eating, if I was. & I was stressing about school so much because I got behind when all this happened. The teachers know how close I was to the family & the situation so they gave me a looot of grace. But in the end I still had to fight on the last night before quarter ended to get everything in. That combined with huge home issues & an issue with a friend & I totally lost it by this week. Exam week. I made it through, just barely. But in the process I ripped apart every piece of healthy fabrication in my life trying to get it all right for everyone. 

Maybe 2 weeks after PopC died my carpmentalizing backfired big time. I was going through so much stress & anxiety & depression but not dealing with it. I had completely blocked off the connection from my emotional state to my physical state. I wasn't handling it so my body didn't know how to handle it. So it decided to express itself in protest by causing me to have a panic attack that started with severe naseau & barely being able to breathe to stumbling, so dizzy I could hardly see, to the bathroom where I proceeded to throw up for 8 hours straight doing a number on my throat, since after the first 3 hours I had nothing but acid to throw up. Your loving reading this huh? My doctor diagnosed it as a psycho systemic reaction to stress. And then I was medically induced to sleep for 48 hours (more like 36 in the end) skipping school to basically completely restart my system. Plus, I was operating under exhaustion. Also, she prescribed me a second anxiety control add-on med to accompany my daily lexapro. Apparently, lexapro was lonely, so klonopin wanted to keep it company. It helps. But unfortunately meds can't fix your system if you continue with the same life-cycle. I did, & at several points in the past two months did I relapse, but was able to control the physical aspects with the meds. so I was able to handle it under the radar. 

So. Here I am. I lived through the trauma, exam week, hell at home, & school is over & so I'm catching up on months of sleep, & trying to work out a hell of a lot of issues.

Now, my goals for this week include:

• get back on a healthy sleeping schedule
• get back on a healthy (&existent) diet
• get back on a healthy & organized exercise routine
• get back on an everyday scheduled time with God & I (that I KEEP)
• and get back on a regular social routine including church & time for my friends 

-and required for preparing for school next year, SATs, & college-

• sign up for an SAT prep class
• get tutoring for math (specifically geometry since I didn't end this semester well)

So there you have it. My life in a nutshell. Interesting, no? No..

Oh how messed up I am. Jesus take the wheeeeeeel.

There really isn’t anything like watching as the people who screwed you over disappear into oblivion as you rise higher and higher-as you come to realize you can do so much better. You start soaring and soon, those people who tore you apart, are so small it’s like taking off in an airplane and thinking curiously “How small the world is!” from your First Class seat of life.

“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.”

—Sarah Dessen, This Lulluby.

"So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them."

—Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being A Wallflower 

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

—Unknown

I miss my best friend who's at the beach. <3 :)

http://operation-lovely.tumblr.com/