His Time.

"‘All mankind will fear; they will proclaim the works of God and ponder what he has done. Let righteous rejoice in the Lord and take refuge in him; let all the upright in heart praise him!’ 

—Psalm 64:9-10

It’s nice to know that wherever I am, in His arms I’m always home. It was a sweet reminder not just of His security but of why I keep following Him. I forget that He’s always listening, even when I can’t hear it. My ears were full of His promise. He is my shelter. In the sweet words of Christian music artist Bethany Dillon, He really is all I need-whether I’m surrounded by people or all alone. 

And it didn’t stop there. Several times that week someone mentioned Romans 8:28 (one of my favorite verses). I walked into a classroom to find three words from Matthew 6 on the overhead: Do not worry.

It’s so easy for me to trust people. If I were riding into a tornado with my dad driving, I could sleep through it. I know I’m safe when he’s around. I thought about how much I love being around people who make me feel safe. It’s amazing how secure I can feel inside a hug or with my hand in someone else’s. 

But the truth is, when that security isn’t there, when my dad is hundreds of miles away, I’m still safe. I can find security and peace about the decisions I make and the dreams I pursue. I don’t have to doubt God’s hand on my life when crummy things happen. I can lean into Him even more, hold on and know I really am safe in His presence. And He is always present.”

—Excerpt from the article Rainy Days and Mondays by Natalie Lloyd as found in the August 2011 edition of Susie magazine. (pgs 46&47)

Life in a nutshell.

So. The good news.

I'M DONE WITH SCHOOL!!!!

Well, with my sophomore year at least. 

& I really wish I could say something like:

"This year was amazing. I'm really proud of how far I've come. I have so many awesome memories with my friends & I'm so excited for this summer!"

But the bad news is that I can't. It's been the hardest year I've ever had, & I'm not really stoked about this summer. The only emotion I have right now is relief. Relief that I'm done with school. 

I haven't been doing well.. The readers digest version is that I've been really really stressed & recently relapsed into my old panic-induced state from a couple of years ago. This happens when something traumatic happens. & unfortunately, it did. My best friends dad died March 8, About 3 months ago. He was the most incredible man, & the best father literally in the world. He was also the most wonderful "adopted father" I could've asked for. I don't have a good relationship with my dad, & not just because my parents are divorced. But Mr.Carroll showed me what a father was & honestly, who a Godly man was. I'm so happy that I got to know him the 2 very short years I knew him. But even more than that, that my friend was so incredibly blessed growing up. She is just as remarkable as her father. I cannot even imagine the pride that Poppa C has looking down to see his family as they are. They're incredible. I love them so much. They're so loving. They seriously welcomed me into their home when I needed them most & spoiled me rotten :) I've spent so much time there it's my second home. I have a desk & there's a bed in the oldest sister Hallies room for friends I get it 1/3 of the time since we have a group of good friends that visit all the time. They showed me that family isn't confined to blood relation. It's about opening up your heart & giving others a home there.

So as you can imagine it was an unbelievably earth shattering event when their dad died suddenly, of natural causes leaving behind his wife (high school sweetheart & the most wonderful woman) three daughters Hallie Hannah & Meg and his young son Jack. Please please please keep them in your prayers constantly. This is so so real what I'm asking. For you to pray. It means something.

Now, I would rather not do this, but as it's a personal blog, I'm trying to write out my feelings & work things out in my life. I've been avoiding this because I don't think it's right that anyone should pay attention or worry about me when my friends are going through this.. that's why I've tried not to do this. But I need to talk. I need to write out my feelings & talk about my life because I'm living it & I'm no help to my friend if I carpmentalize. & I'll just been drowning myself. 

Since this happened my anxiety & depression have shown themselves again. Badly. Worse then I've ever had it. For 3 months I've been having so much trouble sleeping I was only sleeping 3-4 hours a night & hardly paying any attention to what I was eating, if I was. & I was stressing about school so much because I got behind when all this happened. The teachers know how close I was to the family & the situation so they gave me a looot of grace. But in the end I still had to fight on the last night before quarter ended to get everything in. That combined with huge home issues & an issue with a friend & I totally lost it by this week. Exam week. I made it through, just barely. But in the process I ripped apart every piece of healthy fabrication in my life trying to get it all right for everyone. 

Maybe 2 weeks after PopC died my carpmentalizing backfired big time. I was going through so much stress & anxiety & depression but not dealing with it. I had completely blocked off the connection from my emotional state to my physical state. I wasn't handling it so my body didn't know how to handle it. So it decided to express itself in protest by causing me to have a panic attack that started with severe naseau & barely being able to breathe to stumbling, so dizzy I could hardly see, to the bathroom where I proceeded to throw up for 8 hours straight doing a number on my throat, since after the first 3 hours I had nothing but acid to throw up. Your loving reading this huh? My doctor diagnosed it as a psycho systemic reaction to stress. And then I was medically induced to sleep for 48 hours (more like 36 in the end) skipping school to basically completely restart my system. Plus, I was operating under exhaustion. Also, she prescribed me a second anxiety control add-on med to accompany my daily lexapro. Apparently, lexapro was lonely, so klonopin wanted to keep it company. It helps. But unfortunately meds can't fix your system if you continue with the same life-cycle. I did, & at several points in the past two months did I relapse, but was able to control the physical aspects with the meds. so I was able to handle it under the radar. 

So. Here I am. I lived through the trauma, exam week, hell at home, & school is over & so I'm catching up on months of sleep, & trying to work out a hell of a lot of issues.

Now, my goals for this week include:

• get back on a healthy sleeping schedule
• get back on a healthy (&existent) diet
• get back on a healthy & organized exercise routine
• get back on an everyday scheduled time with God & I (that I KEEP)
• and get back on a regular social routine including church & time for my friends 

-and required for preparing for school next year, SATs, & college-

• sign up for an SAT prep class
• get tutoring for math (specifically geometry since I didn't end this semester well)

So there you have it. My life in a nutshell. Interesting, no? No..

Oh how messed up I am. Jesus take the wheeeeeeel.

Joining the Ranks-Set Apart Girl devotional by Leslie Ludy.

Read this article & other Set Apart Girl devotionals by Leslie Ludy here

“What is the secret to great living? Entire separation to Christ and devotion to Him. Thus speaks every man and woman whose life has made more than a passing flicker in the spiritual realm. It is the life that has no time for trifling that counts.” 

—Amy Carmichael

"History is filled with amazing examples of stunning set-apart women, wholly devoted to Jesus Christ. Their awe-inspiring examples of radiant femininity put modern young women (myself included!) to shame. Here are two of my favorites:

Vibia Perpetua, one of the earliest Christian martyrs, was thrown into an arena among wild beasts and then killed with a gladiator's sword because of her faith in Christ. A beautiful young woman of high education and noble birth, she gladly gave up all worldly comforts and applause for the cause of Christ. The mother of an infant son whom she dearly loved, she could have obtained life and freedom simply by denying her faith in Christ. But as it says in Revelation 12:11, she loved not her life unto death. Vibia greatly rejoiced that she was counted worthy to suffer and die for her Savior, and she endured the wild beasts’ attacks while singing a Psalm and exhibiting a joyful, radiant countenance. She walked confidently toward death, as Christ walked to Calvary, and was given victory over her senses, feeling no pain but only a deep oneness with God. Just before she died, she exhorted her onlooking brother to stand fast in the faith. Like many other martyrs, Vibia’s blood became the seed of the early Christian Church. Because of her courageous spirit and sublime faith, the Church attracted countless people who could not ignore the hope and heroism displayed in the life and death of this radiant daughter of the King. 

Gladys Aylward was 25 when she met Christ and offered her life to Him fully and completely. He placed a heavy burden upon her heart for the suffering and unreached people of war-torn China. But she had no money, did not speak the language, and was unqualified to go alone to a dangerous and hostile land. Then one day she heard a challenge from her Lord, and she knew she had to go exactly where He was calling her. At the age of 26, she boarded a train to China with only a small handful of coins in her pocket and embarked upon one of the most extraordinary adventures of all time.

Over the next 20 years, Gladys preached the Gospel to thousands of Chinese men and women, tended to hundreds of wounded soldiers during the war, single-handedly stopped a deadly riot at a men's prison, cared for the sick and lepers, and adopted more than a hundred orphans, often going without food so that they could survive. During the Japanese invasion she was on the "Dead or Alive” most wanted list, and at times narrowly escaped pursuers seeking to end her life - her clothing riddled with bullet holes.

She led 200 orphans on a six-week journey across the mountains to bring them to safety, a journey so exhausting that she lapsed into a coma as soon as the task was completed. Gladys' life of complete abandon to Jesus Christ literally changed the face of a nation. At the end of her life, she wrote: "My heart is full of praise that one so insignificant, uneducated, and ordinary in every way could be used to His glory for the blessing of His people in poor persecuted China." Though ordinary and insignificant, Gladys lived one of the most spectacular displays of triumphant femininity this world has ever seen, all because she staked everything upon the faithfulness of her God.

The sacred call God placed upon these incredible women's lives is the very same call He has placed upon yours and mine. Only one question remains. Are we willing to lay down everything else and take up His set-apart commission? 

God's sacred intent for us goes far beyond just saving sex until marriage, wearing one-piece swimsuits instead of skimpy bikinis, or idolizing Christian bands instead of secular ones. It is not just making sure we tack on some Christian morality to our self-indulgent lives.

His sacred intent for you and for me is nothing short of absolute abandonment to Jesus Christ, entire separation from the pollution of the world, and ardent worship of our King with every breath we take. *"

Friends, there is nothing for you and me to do to experience forgiveness of sin from God. All we do is trust in Jesus.

"Who is Jesus?" by Mark Driscoll

This is a great sermon-I encourage you to read or watch it!