the girl of stone.

Keep your distance
reach for me slowly
no sudden movements
I’m denying I’m lonely
widdle me down
warm me up
before you test my heart
or still you’ll find it’s hard
hit     hit     hit
with a hammer
does it even crack?
even just a sliver?
If it does keep on me
keep warming and testing
for only you can bomb the shell
and endure me
until my heart is soft enough
to touch
to hold
to cling to
and
then you’ll make a difference
and be in the books
for melting
the girl of stone.

Hi there..in case we haven't been introduced!

I’m Emilie-I’ll be 18 on July 27th. :)

I’m a wallflower, a thinker, a tea and coffee drinker, a reader, a writer, a flower presser, a music listening, people watching, laughing much too loud type, an encourager, a romantic, a person with a lot of fear, I’m loyal, I’m hopeful, I’m honest. I look for sparkling beauty in a dark paradise, I over use the word lovely, and I’m desperate for hugs. I can be made very happy by the littlest, perhaps even silliest things, and made sad almost just as easily. I’m abusively insecure of myself, easily attached, and as timid as a bunny rabbit because of the hurt people inflict. But I chase after compassion and affection from others like my life depends on it. But most of all I have hope in a beauty that never dies, because I have hope in Jesus Christ. He breaks my heart for what breaks His, and I’ve begun to consider it my spiritual blessing. It helps me love people..it helps me love Him.

Prayer request.

Please pray for my friend Hannah. She’s suffered from chronic headaches for years but she got a migraine over a week ago that has been going strong since. This is her third trip to the hospital this week and they admitted her overnight this evening. She’s having tests done tomorrow and is hopefully going to see a neurologist Tuesday. Please pray for her strength and peace and that its nothing serious.

Open wound.

A strange title for a blog post. What is like an open wound? 

Many things.

my heart.
my school.
my loss of friendships.
my past eating disorder.
the lessons I'm still learning.

Let me save my heart for last..

my school.

I go to a homeschool co-op, so were only there 2-3 days a week depending on the classes you take. However it's a small community and everyone is tightly knit. Last year was a difficult year for us. We dealt with two tragedies at the end of the school year, and looking around at the community of students and mentors just half a year later you can see it is a very different place. Last years graduating class was made up of beloved friends, and their absence is felt by anyone who was here last year. Anyone returning from last year was probably at least in a small way affected by the things that happened last year. While things go on as normal, somehow it still feels different. Everyone is fighting a battle—and some still fighting a battle that started long ago. 

my loss of friendships.

This is a little harder to get into.. see my relationship with close friends at church are better than ever. They are absolutely loyal awesome and supportive friends, no question. But over the summer my friendships at school deteriorated despite the fact I kept in touch and tried to keep things going with the people I was really close with last year. And unfortunately I have no argument to recall, or anything at all to explain it. Literally the best explanation I have is that they are not interested in my friendship. Isn't that just plain sad? I would rather tell you I messed up, and destroyed my friendships and learned a terrible lesson than have to say that I did nothing but everything in my power to be the best friend I could. That hurts more. "Best friends" just suddenly decided that they weren't interested. It sucks. 

my past eating disorder.

Two years ago I dealt with bulimia (not an extreme case-thank God) and it stemmed from insecurity that is to-the-bone-deep and that took a suffocating grip on my life starting when I was probably not even 10 or 11 years old. My faith, and some extremely strict and loving friends (some of whom I was talking about above. ...Yeah.) stopped me from doing it for a long time. But because it wasn't a long lived thing, I got no results, and am in the same place I was when I started. And the people at school and issues at home are NOT helping. I'm doing better yes, because of my relationship with Christ, but I'm still way too consumed with my appearance. The little confidence I put on, is an act I have only been able to manage because God has given me the strength to be strong around others, and because of my serious stubbornness to not let the people that hurt me see that I'm not doing well. 

my heart, and the lessons I'm still learning.

So overall because of uncertainty, loss, hurt feelings, and self-loathing I'm emotionally spent. At vulnerable moments just mentioning things that strike a chord with me brings me to tears, or in some cases serious frustrated rants. I'm an emotional car wreck in some ways, and fine in others. My heart is an open wound that the slightest harsh touch brings intense pain, and from that-serious frustration. God is my Healer..but in some areas it does not seem to be in his plan to give me any diagnosis or relief just now. So I'm left praying desperate prayers and attempting complete outward self-control 24/7 of when in the public eye. 

I know God answers prayer. I know because I saw an incredible prayer answered on the mission trip I went on this summer, and it was a very personal prayer from me. The way God moved..it was beautiful and so completely GOD.

But I also know too well that prayer usually doesn't get answered in the way we want or expect. God's plan is perfect, but we couldn't possible understand most of it. I'm learning that I need to accept that, and even embrace it. He is the Divine Creater, the Alpha and Omega, the Epic, Almighty, Awesome God. He's the best friend I can ask for, and my Healer. He will not let me down, He will not leave me. He has got me, and no matter what, like it or not, he has absolute hold on my heart. Nothing can separate me from Him. 

So the biggest lesson—I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. I have to depend on His strength and not my own. 

Why these lessons are an open wound—

because they are hard lessons, and I'm nowhere near done learning them. 

And to learn them, I know God has to peel back the deepest layers of myself and my past and resurface past pain to bring me to deal with them. He wants to heal me, but I have to accept He is my Healer, and that I can never fix myself-I need to let Him do His work the way He will. My heart is broken beyond my ability to fix it. Only He can do it.

—

So.. it's only the end of September, and this is where I am at the beginning of school. 

Can you see why it is  daunting and terrifying to think of the year ahead of me?

Things to do/remember:

Not my images.

Blessings, Emilie  ♥

Be my prayer warriors?

A close girlfriend of mine lost her daddy 4 months ago today (no I’m already crying!!must finish typing can’t see the screen darn it)) so..as you can imagine it must be one of the hardest days ever. He was (and is and FOREVER will be!!) the strongest man in his faith and during his life served the Lord above all in incredible ways! He is now with his best friend and I praise my Father for that every day!! The Lord is healing his children after this loss but their pain is unequivocally real and beyond my understanding. One thing remains-their faith was and is unyielding. Greatly attributed of course to their dad an inspiring ambassador of God!! But in understandable truth their loss is great so they are suffering true grief. Please please please! lift them up in prayer for me!! I could not ask for ANYthing in the world more desperately than this! They are a true family to me always, whether or not I have the blessing to have them as a treasure in my life forever or only for a while. This is my greatest prayer! God is performing His will. And I KNOW that it is in His will that this family be comforted by His great love because His promise remains-HE WILL NEVER LEAVE US! In this tragedy my love for God is UNMOVED! It has only grown GREATER! Crazy thought for many. But ask me again and again every day and my answer will REMAIN THE SAME! PRAISE GOD! He is my shelter. Pray that this family will feel God’s love and comfort and that he be their shelter in this time of need! I cannot thank you enough ahead of time for true prayer! 

Blessings xo emi

Writing makes me realize things I’ve been feeling for so long, and never knew.

And once you understand,

you can never forget.

And if you can’t forget,

it

will

never

stop

hurting.

“Every time he goes, she dies.

Every time she comes, she cries.

He was her long, bright future

In the middle of a wrong, dark road

He loved her, but he wasn’t too sure

If he could return the love she showed

When she said, my love extends

Beyond the realm of being friends

He kissed her head

And quietly he said,

It’s not that you’re not beautiful, you’re just not beautiful to me

She said, ‘how beautiful do I have to be?

When I look in the mirror, you’re the only thing I see

And I have loved you beautifully.’

Well, ten thousand tears passed by

But she never let him see her cry

And he called up down one night

He said, let’s get in the car and just drive

He talked a lot about loneliness

But why, she didn’t know

And some song about Memphis 

Was playing on the radio

She said, let’s stop the car and slow dance

Won’t you just give me a chance?

He took her hand

And hoped she’d understand

It’s not that you’re not beautiful, you’re just not beautiful to me

She said, ‘how beautiful do I have to be?

When I look in the mirror, you’re the only thing I see

And I have loved you beautifully.’

Well, she’ll burn that bridge

And build a house

And swallow the smoke in her mouth

She’ll feel the burn

And then make the choice

To put the fire in her voice

It’s not that you’re not beautiful, you’re just not beautiful to me

She said, ‘how beautiful do I have to be?

When I look in the mirror, you’re the only thing I see

And I have loved you beautifully…’"

True, true love.

Why is it we always become so indignant when the one we have feelings for cares for someone else? Yes, it hurts like hell. And perhaps they are your one and only. Perhaps you might never love again. Regardless, you must remember to love is to put their happiness before your own. So if they are truly happy,then let them go. You must accept that perhaps you aren’t the best for them. And don’t they deserve the very most that life has to offer?