Hi there..in case we haven't been introduced!

I’m Emilie-I’ll be 18 on July 27th. :)

I’m a wallflower, a thinker, a tea and coffee drinker, a reader, a writer, a flower presser, a music listening, people watching, laughing much too loud type, an encourager, a romantic, a person with a lot of fear, I’m loyal, I’m hopeful, I’m honest. I look for sparkling beauty in a dark paradise, I over use the word lovely, and I’m desperate for hugs. I can be made very happy by the littlest, perhaps even silliest things, and made sad almost just as easily. I’m abusively insecure of myself, easily attached, and as timid as a bunny rabbit because of the hurt people inflict. But I chase after compassion and affection from others like my life depends on it. But most of all I have hope in a beauty that never dies, because I have hope in Jesus Christ. He breaks my heart for what breaks His, and I’ve begun to consider it my spiritual blessing. It helps me love people..it helps me love Him.

{Caught Lovely Handed}

Like those security camera shots that are popular because they actually catch people doing kind or courageous things things I love to catch people doing something with a lovely hand (:


As I’m sitting in Starbucks today while my sister works the bar an older man goes over to the condiment bar, fixes up his coffee, and then takes a napkin and completely cleans off the condiment bar. As I was returning to my seat I said, “Aw you’re nice.” because I know how much it bothers my sister that people throw half & half around the condiment bar. He looks up and I can tell he isn’t one of those jolly-early-in-the-morning-folks and just says “it just shouldn’t be like this.” I smiled at him. “Yes you’re right.”

Guys it’s a small thing to clean up after yourself. Honestly. But think about it, you don’t enjoy cleaning up other peoples mess, so why would the workers at your local Starbucks? A little mess is expected, but if you spill, wipe it up. It’s lovely, and is a little thing that can help make a Baristas day better. :)

Prayer request.

Please pray for my friend Hannah. She’s suffered from chronic headaches for years but she got a migraine over a week ago that has been going strong since. This is her third trip to the hospital this week and they admitted her overnight this evening. She’s having tests done tomorrow and is hopefully going to see a neurologist Tuesday. Please pray for her strength and peace and that its nothing serious.

“There's a reason why stars can only exist in the sky—they're just rockets of light traveling through space, so it feels right to admire their form from a distance. People, solid and living and breathing together in the same world, are not meant to be surrounded by that much darkness.” 

― Katie Kacvinsky, Awaken

"Because the world is so full of death and horror, I try again and again to console my heart and pick the flowers that grow in the midst of hell.”

—Hermann Hesse, Narcissus and Goldmund

"Just close your eyes, the sun is going down; you'll be alright, no one can hurt you now..."

—Taylor Swift, "Safe and Sound"

“Just like your mother you’re unfailingly kind. A trait people never fail to undervalue, I’m afraid.”

—Albus Dumbledore

Open wound.

A strange title for a blog post. What is like an open wound? 

Many things.

my heart.
my school.
my loss of friendships.
my past eating disorder.
the lessons I'm still learning.

Let me save my heart for last..

my school.

I go to a homeschool co-op, so were only there 2-3 days a week depending on the classes you take. However it's a small community and everyone is tightly knit. Last year was a difficult year for us. We dealt with two tragedies at the end of the school year, and looking around at the community of students and mentors just half a year later you can see it is a very different place. Last years graduating class was made up of beloved friends, and their absence is felt by anyone who was here last year. Anyone returning from last year was probably at least in a small way affected by the things that happened last year. While things go on as normal, somehow it still feels different. Everyone is fighting a battle—and some still fighting a battle that started long ago. 

my loss of friendships.

This is a little harder to get into.. see my relationship with close friends at church are better than ever. They are absolutely loyal awesome and supportive friends, no question. But over the summer my friendships at school deteriorated despite the fact I kept in touch and tried to keep things going with the people I was really close with last year. And unfortunately I have no argument to recall, or anything at all to explain it. Literally the best explanation I have is that they are not interested in my friendship. Isn't that just plain sad? I would rather tell you I messed up, and destroyed my friendships and learned a terrible lesson than have to say that I did nothing but everything in my power to be the best friend I could. That hurts more. "Best friends" just suddenly decided that they weren't interested. It sucks. 

my past eating disorder.

Two years ago I dealt with bulimia (not an extreme case-thank God) and it stemmed from insecurity that is to-the-bone-deep and that took a suffocating grip on my life starting when I was probably not even 10 or 11 years old. My faith, and some extremely strict and loving friends (some of whom I was talking about above. ...Yeah.) stopped me from doing it for a long time. But because it wasn't a long lived thing, I got no results, and am in the same place I was when I started. And the people at school and issues at home are NOT helping. I'm doing better yes, because of my relationship with Christ, but I'm still way too consumed with my appearance. The little confidence I put on, is an act I have only been able to manage because God has given me the strength to be strong around others, and because of my serious stubbornness to not let the people that hurt me see that I'm not doing well. 

my heart, and the lessons I'm still learning.

So overall because of uncertainty, loss, hurt feelings, and self-loathing I'm emotionally spent. At vulnerable moments just mentioning things that strike a chord with me brings me to tears, or in some cases serious frustrated rants. I'm an emotional car wreck in some ways, and fine in others. My heart is an open wound that the slightest harsh touch brings intense pain, and from that-serious frustration. God is my Healer..but in some areas it does not seem to be in his plan to give me any diagnosis or relief just now. So I'm left praying desperate prayers and attempting complete outward self-control 24/7 of when in the public eye. 

I know God answers prayer. I know because I saw an incredible prayer answered on the mission trip I went on this summer, and it was a very personal prayer from me. The way God moved..it was beautiful and so completely GOD.

But I also know too well that prayer usually doesn't get answered in the way we want or expect. God's plan is perfect, but we couldn't possible understand most of it. I'm learning that I need to accept that, and even embrace it. He is the Divine Creater, the Alpha and Omega, the Epic, Almighty, Awesome God. He's the best friend I can ask for, and my Healer. He will not let me down, He will not leave me. He has got me, and no matter what, like it or not, he has absolute hold on my heart. Nothing can separate me from Him. 

So the biggest lesson—I have to trust Him. I have to obey Him. I have to depend on His strength and not my own. 

Why these lessons are an open wound—

because they are hard lessons, and I'm nowhere near done learning them. 

And to learn them, I know God has to peel back the deepest layers of myself and my past and resurface past pain to bring me to deal with them. He wants to heal me, but I have to accept He is my Healer, and that I can never fix myself-I need to let Him do His work the way He will. My heart is broken beyond my ability to fix it. Only He can do it.

—

So.. it's only the end of September, and this is where I am at the beginning of school. 

Can you see why it is  daunting and terrifying to think of the year ahead of me?

Things to do/remember:

Not my images.

Blessings, Emilie  ♥